Anna will be wondering ws o me.

    e could move to anotable, I said, but I kne royed by a malevolent force beyond my control.

    See you later, said Jess cheerily.

    And t  time I saill be reconstructing ting it doting friends to act it out, looking for any kind of clue t .

    You never kno your mout and as frequently as so  sometime. But for   music. So be a little pick-me-up, my first since t ever as a non-practicing musician, because I y, and Ive been in a band ever since. So after s, I started to  o elling some little old lady eet REMs manager ed to represent my band. o be a person - someone y t people could respond to? Its no fucking use, giving someto take its place. Say Id just kept talking about tioned music… ould ill o bed? I couldnt see it. It seemed to me t  my old life, I  all. My morale-booster ended up making me feel totally fucking cruse.

    e didnt really tin missing , even t ting used to t once or t I  understand. I didnt understand  before, and I didnt understand ting at our breakfast table. And no understand  understanding didnt seem to matter very mucimes,  understand t you kno meant to. You co you if you pay close attention. I rying to tin as a cops and robbers film; if I didnt get everytold myself not to panic. Id  until someone gave me a clue. And anyo see t it didnt really matter even if you understood almost not really understood  us on to television. But t ten about noly, so , I   at breakfast, but t  because I  didnt  Martin to think us rude.

    After breakfast I tried to telep I couldnt manage on my oo ask JJ to do it for me, and  ts of extra numbers to dial, and some you o leave out, and I dont kno being celepold me I could call once a day  relax properly.

    And telep c tes. More o me in my elep time up on t  as if t all. Matty ing care, and t mucell me, ried to make tion last longer, and, fair play to ried to  last longer, God love him.

    But neito say. Matty doesnt do anyt done anyt particular day.

    in alked about t, but mostly alking about the garden.

    And I t t for a moment, and tried not to feel sorry for myself. Love and concern and t of it, t only a mot time in  to  of me ly t of till better at it tice Id  I could augo know in a couple of weeks.

    t meant   meant  afraid of, ever since  frig. And I didnt knoo kill myself more or less, kno. I didnt knoime or not.

    I  doairs, and I sahe lobby.

    Martins c of tel, she said.

    And I smiled at ely, but I didnt stop, and I kept  care t Martin  of tel. If I  made telephone call I would have cared, because he was in charge of our money.

    But if   matter muc? Id stay t, and Id eat, or not, and Id drink, or not, and go , and  do  matter to anyone at all. And I  of t sad on imes? I can imagine t time to think.

    For t of tried to keep out of everybodys in  seem to mind. Jess didnt like it muco make me eat  on t I just smiled and said, No t say, But youre alo me!  to talk to me now?

    I borrotle bookcase in reception, a silly one  pink cover called Pa a single girl urns into a s to marry  s sure because , so sakes a imes I read t, and sometimes I slept. Ive always been fine on my own.

    And t to Mass, for t time in a monto it o  do ts mostly because I didnt kno after t everyttle  knohe language.

    I got used to it, t o a dark room - and it er a little ed to be able to see t I could see ual people, of course, but tenerife versions. t looking dotle unsteady on , even at t time of day, and t .

    And t kno tle  t me staring and s I  it seemed so strange, sucil I t about it. And  o any c, pus ed, probably.

    MARtIN  I icularly introspective man, and I say tically. One could argue t most of trouble in trospection. Im not t crime - not t sort of trouble. Im tearful c-ss and so on. I can nos o prevent introspection  sit around and t oneself. You could try t ot tried to t tended to be people I kne people I kne broug back to  to be.

    So in some  ake, c of tel and going off on my oated t of me, and Maureen depressed me, t of me t s untenanted and unfurnis  just t, eitively accomplisy t I mig all, and it  difficult to imagine t tinue to do not all, and tinational company in t troop at weekends.

    I moved into a room t ical to taying in, except I treated myself to a sea vie on taring at trospective. I cant say t I icularly inventive in my introspection; t day  Id made a pigs ear of just about everyt Id be better off dead, and if I died no one  my deat drunk.

    tly more constructive;  no one edly t most of my : I ranged from my cake! OK, nine mistakes. Nine mistakes out of say a unities! I got  per cent and I still failed test! I o entrapment, and b) because societys attitudes to teenage sexuality are outmoded. I lost my job because of ty of my bosses. So at ted to kill ots got to be hier, surely?

    Jess found me on tting in a cafe reading a te me.

    Anyt us in there? she said.

    I expect so, I said. But Ive only read t and t looked at t page yet.

    Fun-nee. Can I sit h you? No.

    S down anyway.

    s all t, t? this… big sulk.

    You t , to death of you.

    you plural. You singular. toi, not vous.

    Because of t? Yes, because of t.

    You just didnt like me saying you were my dad, did you? Youre old enougo be.

    Im a.

    Yea over it. take a chill pill.

    Im over it. Ive taken one.

    Looks like it.

    Jess, Im not sulking. You t of a el because you said I her? I would.

    Because you e er? Both.

    t ends to be tful (and by tful, I mean self-loato me is tcome of any prolonged t on ). I decided I  going to be taken in.

    Im not going to be taken in. Get lost.

    have I done now? Fucking hell.

    Youre pretending to be a remorseful human being.

    does quot;remorsefulquot; mean? It means youre sorry.

    For w? Go away.

    For  a  of all, I  a holiday from you.

    So you  me to get pissed up and take drugs.

    Yes. I  t very much.

    Yea. And if I do Ill get a bollocking.

    Nope. No bollocking. Just go away.

    Im bored.

    So go and find JJ or Maureen.

    theyre boring.

    And Im not? ies ?  Eminem? No.

    You  you  tell me.

    Os sake.

    I left some money on table, got up and . Jess folloreet.  about a game of pool? No.

    Sex? No.

    You dont fancy me? No, Some men do.

    o say it, but I tionship is over.

    Not if I just follo isnt.

    And you t erm? I dont care about term.  about  looking out for me? And Id  youd  to. I could replace ters youve lost. And t .

    S observation matter-of-factly, as if it rute.

    about t fit in ers Ive lost? t, you knoe. A different o go.

    e passed a gly looking bar called Ney.

    ts  for figry to go in again.

    As if to illustrate t, a grizzled-looking oanding in th a murderous look on his face.

    I need a pee. Dont go anywhere.

    I o Ney, found a lavatory some tV pages of t, sat doed t  eventually topped; I presumed s I stayed in t in case. It ed ternoon  resent time. It  sort of holiday.

    JJ  t band I er a s ton, just a fe is no on stage, but alked about it.

    ed played in Mancer t before, to a very small croo London tle snappy, but mostly just morose and quiet. It felt exactly tomac not does, it  make any difference for any longer tes. Its  you  lose toucouc in a bar  nig arguing, but till o exist. It  , so it  ours any more. Im talking metap.

    Anyer t tensity to it, like a desperate break-up fuck - o tty little dressing room, and sat do feels like it. And   like Eddie:  eitook my ook Billys  so t  time, and Billy said, Fuck you, queer boy, and stood up real quick,   o kno drummers.

    I  tel to t.

    t, and no one   aken to go. ts ies, hing.

    Its funny, but  sick  t to do, you kno real big on reading and ing, if you  Im saying, and Eddie oo, like, pugilistic to  o be OK. I , and stable, and I ill be somet it. So  a gig ion  on to work for his dad, and Im delivering pizzas and nearly jumping off a fucking roof.

    So time around, I ermined not to fret about my felloold myself. It didnt look t  t about, and it  my problem anyway.

    In taxi to t alked some about  to do , and on t ube from o Kings Cross, and took a bus from t  arted to recognize t maybe  be  so much.

    ? said Jess.

    Because .

    I t it  OK.

    Martin snorted. e didnt speak to eacher.

    You  most of time, said Jess.

    And es? Or because ours is not one of my most fulfilling relations is your most fulfilling relationss yours? Jess t for a moment, and then shrugged.

    it, she said.

    t rution as it applied to in spoke up just as arting to see  migo us too.

    Yes. ell. It s be, s it? Are you giving me t to put it like t. Jess,  ts time to go our separate ways.

    about Valentines Day? e can meet on Valentines Day, if you . e said .

    Up on till t t changes day by day.

    Id like to meet up, said Maureen.

    I suppose Valentines must be a pretty important day for you, Maureen, said Jess. S as if sion, but Maureen recognized tiness and didnt boto respond. Just about everyt back at  none of us  t traffic in t Angel I said goodbye and got off. As I c of Polo mints, and ture seemed kind of breaking.

    For t ty muc, and on to see if t I bleen pounds on a ticket for a band called Fat Carted up around time as us, and no deal, and t t tood t, and I  say any of us was riche experience.

    I , by a guy w ies.

    All rig t year. I .

    You living here?  Yeah, for now.

    you doing? You gone solo?  Yeas right.

    Cool  e met at eigines Day, and everyone ime. Jess ed to meet later, like at midnigragic effect, but no one else t it  to travel e. I ran into airs on told o  travelling erwards.

    meant… Last time you  gonna go home, you know?

    Not, like, on the bus, anyway.

    On t time, you o get off t tonig sounds as taking the long way down.

    O, she said. In my head, I mean.

    ts great.

    Im still feeling t of think.

    Right on.

    And t  to talk any more, because it h.

    Martin and Jess arrived a couple of minutes later, and here.

    of tually? said Martin.

    e o meet up and see , said Jess.

    A. And  you, Maureen? I am. I o JJ, I till feeling t of the holiday.

    ure of amazement and admiration.

    you, Mart? I said.  I could kind of tell o t question o be.

    Oosser, said Jess.

    e s some more.

    I read somet migerest you all, Martin said.

    Yea o talk about it

    Sounds good to me, I said. I mean, maybe e? said Martin, like I s.

    Yea kind of ran out after t. But being alive seemed ing. Unless, of course, it  ed, in ed a   drink any ting a drink ing. An ordinary he fog of depression and indecision.

    Maureen? Yes, I dont mind.

    It doesnt look to me like anyones going to jump, I said. Not tonight.

    Is t rig listening.

    Fuck me, s.

    Saring at t ing tly win , and cened.

    ly.  stay there.

    I started to o him.

    Please dont come any closer, ears, dragging furiously on a smoke.

    eve all been tried anoteps.  say anything.

    Yea us. ere OK. You to get t you do.

    I dont  to, said the guy.

    tell us tle closer. I mean, s in the field. Maureen here...

    But I never got any furtte over ttle moan ting te all till dont know which is scarier.