Ill tell you  me, t Martin o do urning up in  took test and t. Any  all Id done rain ride and one bus journey  asking Maureen about sexual positions. After Id seen Cindy, t didnt seem like suc rid of Martin, moved and met someone else.  , but our past, I dont kno ill all over t every day okyo and  couldnt be exactly like t, because Rome is probably a cool place to live,  - just as cool as tokyo. And  ed to, and make faces at us. And Maureen and I rying to persuade Cindy to move out of o our dump   muc now.

    As  know w s h.

    And ernoon all ter way.

    JJtrouble   fucking idea of o o be   about ty-day t applied to me. As far as I could tell, I  longer ty days. I  going to be like giving up cigarettes. It o get . My first day  Burger King  be so bad, because Id tell myself, you knoually, I dont knoell myself, but Id t by tiet try talking to me on my tieth anniversary of burger-flipping.

    Ill be real grouc day. And Ill be sixty-one years old.

    And tuff and up, mentally speaking, and say, OK, fuck it, Im going to kill myself. And tly t, and Id sit doruly terrible, ood up in t place. Self-. I couldnt o a free drink.

    t time  up, Jess told us all t so see Cindy out in tryside.

    My ex-in. te and reading telegrap really listening to anyto say.

    Yeas a coincidence, said Jess.

    Martin continued to sip his coffee.

    Der, said Jess.

    Martin put telegrap her.

    ? It was your Cindy, you doug.

    Martin looked at her.

    Youve never met my Cindy. Ex-my Cindy. My ex.

    ts o you. Maureen and I  doo talk to her.

    torley h, said Maureen.

    ts win, scandalized.

    Jess sighed.

    You  to see Cindy? Jess picked up elegraparted leafing t, kind of a spoof on erest. Martin snatche paper away from her.

    t for? e t it might help.

    doo ask ake you back. But s. Sed. Isnt so stare at her own shoes.

    Martin stared at Jess.

    Are you insane? y did you do t? On y. Free country.

    And o tears and said, you kno;Id love o come backquot;? I old you.

    But… tering noises, and topped. Jesus C.

    Any. S bastard.

    If youd ever listened to anyt my ex- sake me back? You t Id go back? Jess s ry.

    You, said Martin. Maureen. t me.

    You   was her idea, said Jess.

    So youre an even bigger fool than she is.

    e all need  all kno.

    Youve all ed to  t  way.

    say anything, so I did.

    So ry to make somet didnt  ernative is. A big fat fucking nothing.

    So  back, JJ? Jess asked.

    Everythe band. Lizzie.

    ts stupid. t rubbis not… you know.

    I nodded. I knew.

    And Lizzie packed you in.

    I kne, too.  I didnt say, because it sounded too fucking lame,  if it o reo t fe feill playing music, I ill seeing  anyto complain about, righing was dying.

    But it  dead.

    I dont kno ing, saying ed, even if you couldnt . ed t Cosmic tony guy for Maureen, Id put limits on  ical assistance Maureen needed. And as it turned out, sion, and urned out to be a guy  if t, t to find out all kinds of ot, like, I dont knos  place. e all spend so mucime not saying , because  . And because it sounds ungracious, or ungrateful, or disloyal, or ce to pretend t t confessing to ourselves t looks like a bad move. Go on, say . Maybe not out loud, if its going to get you into trouble. I  is, say it to yourself. trut you free. Eit or itll get you a puncever life youre living means lying, and lying corrodes take a break from t for one minute.

    I  my band back, I said. And my girl. I  my band back and my girl back.

    Jess looked at me. You just said t.

    I  said it often enoug my band back and my girl back. I ANt MY BAND BACK AND MY GIRL BACK.  do you , Martin? ood up. I  anot be suc do you ? And  do me if I tell you? I dont kno, and well see w we see.

    down.

    You got three wishes, I said.

    OK. I wiso make my marriage work.

    Yea o  keep your prick in your trousers. Sorry, Maureen.

    Martin ignored her.

    And of course I  girl.

    Yeah, well… said Jess.

    S up, I said.

    I dont knoin. Maybe I just  such an arsehole.

    t  so ? I  no one laughed.

    you just   a? said Jess. ts  makes you look good.

    t ? Id still be an arseill get caughing else.

    ell,   caughing ever?

    one  are you talking about? Somet eating a cake?  and eating it? Jess looked kind of doubtful. Are you sure ts it?  a cake   in t place? tin, is t you get it bot t it someouc;; ;keepquot;.

    ts mental.

    Indeed.

    ? You cant. he expression.

    And  of t going to eat it? ere kind of getting off t  is to s to be, you kno person.

    I wish Jen would come back, said Jess.

    Yea.  else?  Nots it.

    Martin snorted. You dont wis be.

    Or less mad?   Im not mad. Just, you know. Confused.

    tful silence. You could tell t not everyone around table was convinced.

    So youre just gonna e two wishes? I said.

    No. I can use ting supply of bloo play the piano, I suppose.

    Martin sig. ts t? You cant play time to play the piano.

    e left it there.

    you, Maureen? I told you before. ony could only arrange things.

    tell everyone else.

    I y.

    You can do better t, cant you? said Jess.

    e winced.

    youd say. Cos you could  .

    Maureen  for a minute.

    know who Id be.

    Youd still be Maureen, you stupid old trout.

    ts not ake ahen, you know...

    No, I dont fucking know, said Jess.

    If Jen  o you, and, and all t? Exactly. Events of t magnitude. ell, w.

    Exactly.

    td be fucking excellent.

    e stopped playing then.

    It ended to be ture, I ts t it? tcoo many o be ear and a self. In my day, people got s at ter learning only t life is is.

    It  ter tion in Starbucks. Someo keep rap s - an impressive ac for someone eco describe everyt s commentator. Looking back on it, it is true t shere was a game.

    One afternoon,  back to see Matty, Jess stifled a giggle and observed enigmatically t shed see him soon enough.

    Maureen looked at her.

    Ill be seeing y minutes if Im lucky he bus, she said.

    Yea after t, said Jess.

    Soon enoug after t? I said.

    Yeah.

    I see  minutes of every day, said Maureen.

    And  all about it, just as  all about so muc Jess said.

    Perer, sarted to so concealed interest in Lizzie, JJs ex-girlfriend.

    here does Lizzie live? she asked JJ.

    Kings Cross. And before you say anyt a hooker.

    is s messing around.

    Yeaotally excellent joke.

    So  a  telling you  to talk to upid old slapper.

    ire life.

    s t he prick one? Sorry, Maureen.

    quot;Metap;, I said. ely t tapitled to itled to wonder w all.

    Exactly. Sap out h someone else.

    Yea sure t dumping me condemns a person to eternal celibacy.

    And to a discussion about te punis for our exes,  passed, like so many moments in t us noticing. But it ed to rootle around in treeenage bedroom of Jesss mind.

    On tself, I  it o be a big day.

    ous enoug spoken to o-face since Id come out of prison.

    ed to talk to me because antial offer from a reputable publisobiography.

    talking money yet.

    May I ask, t  could be described as substantial? ell. You kno ance.

    does t mean? Its real, not imaginary.

    And ;realquot; mean, in real terms? Really? Youre becoming very difficult, Martin. If you dont mind me saying so. Youre not my easiest client at t of times, ually been e .

    I arily distracted by tion t tra. e ing in a restaurant called Farm, and everyting came from a farm. Brilliant, e! Potatoes! Green salad!  a concept! I suppose tra tle s on inspiration. I o report t tresses hin, pale and dressed in black.

    But obiograpantial   it.

    Rigerested? they phoned back.

    itantial offer.

    theo smiled condescendingly.

    You dont really kno really. Only old me over t people antial offers. ts wly.

    e mustnt run before we can walk.

    to annoy me.

    OK. Agreed. Just tell me t.

    No, you see… Even t is running. Its more, you knoactical t.

    Asking you to tell me about ly softly catchee monkey.

    Jesus C, theo.

    And t sort of reaction isnt softly softly, if I may say so. ts noisy noisy. tetcetchy, even.

    I never  to  t of the lunch.

    Jess raordinary meeting for four oclock, in t and invariably empty basement of tarbucks in Upper Street, one of t of sofas and tables t ly like your living room, if your living room  of paper cups t you never threw away.

    ? I asked her when she phoned me.

    Because Ive got private to talk about.

    sort of private things.

    Oo be t t private sexual t to tell you? I was .

    Yeaasies about you all time.

    Ill see you later, OK? I got a number  bus from t End to Upper Street, because t. ed got ts and pieces of money  form of transport, because take you o go for free, and its not until you get t money is needed, I decided t inflicting my poverty on a cabbie  suc certainly spend talking about tion, perfectly normal to  to do,  for going out looking like t and so on. I ime no of Londons inants as ts geograp recognized ted to read me a relevant and apparently redemptive passage in the Bible.

    As I approacarbucks, a youngis aely  doairs. Initially I  meant t Jesss sexual revelations ed sotto voce, if at all; but tea latte, I realized t t no sucy to embarrassment; and my stomacarted to do  urned forty. It doesnt cs for sure. Old stomac cs more as if one side of tomacongue, and ttery. And at moments of tension toucrous consequences.

    t person I sa ttom of tairs ty, in o Maureen. And as I rying to  ty to Starbucks, ting to instantaneously realize t ters. I picked tried not to  me, and Cindy  a table in t   smiling at me. JJ anding o be akably ter. Sall, expensively dressed and disfigured by a  clearly bore no relation to anyt be feeling, a real election nig ts of red string t Madonna e all appearances to trary, sual ic, I  ogeto see er, but I c t and a jacket, and for once you o get up quite close to become scared by her eye make-up.

    I put to to Penny on t so t s feel left out.

    o kiss Cindy on tly out of the way.

    brings you hen? I said.

    to t might help in some way.

    Oed. I got t so snort  snorting o be ion, so I knelt doo talk to the children.

    Jess clapped ogetepped into tre of the room.

    I read about ternet, ss called an intervention.

    t all time in America.

    All time, JJ sed. Its all we do.

    See, if someone is fucked… messed up on drugs or drink or ever, all gatoget  in. Sorry Maureen. Sorry Mum and Dad, sorry little girls. t of different. In America, t, Ive forgotten te I was on eve.

    S of  and pulled out a piece of paper.

    A facilitator. Youre supposed to ator, and  one. I didnt kno knoervention is sort of to intervene. Its us coming to you, rato us. ere saying to you, we need your help.

    ty started to look a little uncomfortable at t, and Jess noticed.

    Not you guys, s o do anyto tell you truto bump up Maureens numbers, cos,  anybody,  you tty ter t anding there on your own.

    You o  to Jess. Once s a to let it go. Maureen attempted a grateful smile.

    Any sos you know we Ed, wo be in h him.

    Eds flo my mum and dad, and its not often youll catcogetins got ers, and  ex, w have his wife back and his girlfriend back.

    Everyone laug Cindy, and topped laug laughing would have consequences.

    And Maureens got ty time talking to our people, tle catcalk to some ots a cross bets evening, cos t of sit in a corner, ing for people to visit them.

    for? I dont kno for a laug  eac ourselves? t again,  rue t I  t I ely not  factual. So I could tell Ed t o play in, and I could tell tons ter; it seemed to me unlikely t ting, however.

    And any from times tables,   and ter? I  Ive learned not to sleep een-year-olds, but I learned t a long time ago - decades before I actually slept een-year-old. t sold me seen. So,  to sleep een-year-olds, or attractive young  just about everyone Ive ever intervie by doing sometain, playing t of a serial killer in a movie - t themselves.

    And I alfully, o pin t did you learn from tually? t you dont like being sick? t you dont  to die? t ch?

    Come on, be specific I suspect its sometell to turn to somet mige and utter e of time.

    In t feo prison, lost every last molecule of self-respect, become estranged from my c very seriously about killing myself. I mean, t little lot  to be t of cancer, rigs certainly a bigger deal ting in a bloody film. So ely bugger all?  o learn? true, I  I e attaco my self-esteem, and regret its passing. Also, Ive found out t prison and poverty arent really me. But, you kno boteral-minded, but I suspect people mig t get cancer. time, and a lot more energy.

    So, Jess  on. o go  moment, several Frenceenage punks appeared in our midst, carrying coffee mugs. ty table next to Mattys wheelchair.

    Oi, said Jess. airs, all of you.

    tared at her.

    Come on,  all day. ement.

    Soairs, and a, uncomplainingly; Jess  anotive of an incomprery. I sat do my ex-able, and o  of all-purpose croy gesture, some kind of cross bet getting a drink and Ill give you a ring, tle bit of Can ely, I rubbed my oget of all tritious self-kno to tuck into.

    MAUREEN  I didnt to be very muco say. I mean, t really anyto Matty. But I didnt to say to te ed a cup of tea, but t; and t ting Matty doairs, and t ,   en of me, and tood t eac one, tralia and  t Matty used to  ttle gat. It  occurred to me t t know.

    Ive been trying to  out, but Im clueless.

    Yes, I said. ell. It must be very confusing.

    So come on, t us out of our misery. Steve  money troubles.

    Some of us .

    Ive never o  money, really. I get my carers allo me a little bit anyway. And if you never go anywhing, life is cheap.

    But youve got troubles, said the square one.

    Yes,  troubles, I said. But t troubles.

    Yea troubles, said tepV.

    Yes,  troubles, I said.

    So  imagine you go to tclubs.

    And I ended up telling t mean to. It just sort of came out. And once Id started, it didnt seem to matter muc Id told t to tory, I realized I s  it, and said  kind of thing.

    You  tell t tre, will you? I said.

    ell t t Id been planning to leave Matty  refuse to take  t ake hinking of jumping off a roof somewhere.

    So re in te one t t if I o do a one.

    Its not t   to knos not t   our centre to be stuck ty. Its just t   to feel t every time you call us up, youre in trouble.

    I dont kno really kno to call t like   people feeling sorry for me, you see. I ed to  saying t t  doesnt sound too Iris t Jess er oget expect me to get anyty couldnt   tes tter about something.

    Stepcs, to see ting on. JJ , because  really started fig. Martin and cers dreure, and Jess and s  t t every no somet never seemed to be anyt would oucupid bloody earrings.

    Everyone in t, and Martin and JJ and I looked at eacuation   to judge, but it  earrings  of Jesss problem.

    I felt sorry for Penny, ting on ed to come to my corner.

    Im sure youve got plenty to talk about over there, she said.

    No, I said. ere done, really.

    ell, youve got t-looking calking about Stepall nurse, and   I  noticed, but I dont really t t any more.

    So come on over and talk to o meet you, I said. I didnt kno  if youve got noto do but stand beside a boy in a  a pretty  take muc for it, because I didnt really do anyt from say  it  so muco talk to Stephen.

    Everyone seemed to be ime except for me. I  time. And t  fair, because Id spent ages organizing t intervention parents evening ternet and got o manage JJs band. And ayed up until like t old old  too. And ts  ime job for a  out of it? Fuck all.  talking to my fucking fat all? I talk to t did I tty and Penny and all tarbucks? I suppose Id  t listen, especially  toget  t t as  and asked to adopt me or wever.

    ere never going to forget about talking about t like , and  old ouc all t fe for to tell us table. Mum reckons s and sat on t, and   t sograp, and sill see t to an empty coffee cup and some paperback or otarted to sort of drift back to  it. But ly is money, off of t t t Camden Market for like five quid.

    I dont kno being all self-pitiful or wever.

    But parents must e kids, rig?  prefer Kylie to time, did  scalked to Dad about sical t of treasure Minister or ake t for instance. It   al afternoon. I really  been giving it large. And te t before I  urning t door, so I kne ing to toilet, rigcreasure bloke, and I tried to make t. Falafel and Breezers every o do  because s drink or smoke blo kno o talk, and no one knoo say.

    After  do you ? So I  you listen to anyt,  o be listening to? And I  mean?  are o do t  do?